Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

It's broken my heart

when I realizes how tough your live was. Carried me along in your womb, under the heat of the sun and the cold of the wind. Stayed stand even when the wave pushed you so hard. Tear you apart. I know I will never thank you enough, because what you've done for me is way beyond amazing.

I simply wish I could always be there, beside you. Listening to every word that you mean to whisper. Watching you grow old and happy. Mom, I hope you stay strong. Chin up and be brave. I hate people who treated you badly I hope all the bad things they did will back at them thousand times harder.

I know you are such a tough women, after all those awful things in your life, you choose to hang on and face everything bravely. I don't want you to be a candle that light her surroundings while burnt herself. I want you to be a start that shine brightly, there far in the middle of galaxy, out reach from those bad people who could hurt you.

Mom,
I promised I will be your eyes that make you see beautiful colors only. I will be your ears that make you hear wonderful news only. I will be your foot that make you step into good places only. I will be your guard that protected you from anything or anyone that could brought you tears. I will.

Beacuse I love you badly.

Who I am?

Some people are look so stranded they seemed lost themselves in the crowd. For me, being a unique personality is important. I could care less with what people think about me. I don't beg to be like because I'm not fear of confrontation. I mean, If someone tell me they don't like me in front of my face, I'll be more that willing to bite back. If other person could judge me it means I have the most right to judge em back.muahaha. (evil grin). So finding another person who are not so fond of my personality is not a problem.

I just dont want to build some kind of self-presentation image that gonna make me far from the real me. If I like green and the rest of people in the world are not, I dont care I will still wearing green since I believe that our different preference sometimes the thing that make us bold and outstanding. It just sad to see people trying to hard to fit in with the mass idea about what is trend and what is not. what is good and what is not. I find my self not try too hard to be like others and also not too hard to try in being different, I just being Me. Include all my clumsy and reckless behavior (close friends know how clumsy I am).

I am not perfect I know that. But it is nice to valued my self the way I am with all my imperfections that somehow enriched my life. SO, for people who wants to know me more, this is me..

• a considerably interesting women
  
• with natural brown hair (swear I didnt dye it)
  
• Enthusiastic story teller (talk all the time with passionate tone)
  
• Positive minded
• very very clumsy person
• shoe size around 38-39
• 8 size girl
• pathetic on math
• heavy self-talker
• respect branded stuffs by not buying any
• Love the idea of everlasting love with old couple holding hands in mind
• non-smoking activist
• having a heavy movie addiction
• shorts legs and wide forehead
• share mostly everything with close friends
• always wants to be friend with anybody
• Very much avoiding conflict and awkward situation
  

basically you can ask anything to me, I'll answer your curiousity..(If u have any in which u guys wont be that interested in me, hehehe).

hati cinta

Lemah lunglai

hatiku seperti tak bernyawa

tak kuasa menahan hitam menahan kelam

jiwa yang kalah dalam pertarungan hidup

duduk bersimpuh

dibawah keangkuhanku

maaf itu meluncur dari kesadaran yang telah lama hilang

sepertia dementia yang tiba-tiba disembuhkan Tuhan

maaf itu

melesat menghantam dinding hatiku

aku luluh

tak berdaya

air mata sudah kering serpihan luka masih terasa

Kangkung dan Kailan dan anehnya gw

Alhamdulilah gw termasuk yang suka sayuran. Enggak semua jenis sih, tapi mostly yang berdaun-daun gitu. Dua favorit tentunya jatuh pada kangkung dan kailan..diikuti oleh Bawang bombay (ini masuk kategori sayuran kan?) daun singkong, jagung putri, tauge, dan tomat. Kebiasaan suka makan sayur ini mungkin tumbuh dari ajaran nyokap gw yang emang hobinya lalapan, segala sayur dimakan dong!. asal ada sambel. Dan gw pun ketularan. Bahkan ga ada sambel. Segala gw makan. heheh.

Buat gw sendiri, makan sayur itu literally enak. apalagi kalo kangkung dan kailan tersayang ditumis sama cumi2 atau ayam. selain itu gw juga ngrasa seneng aja kalo maka sayur, no guilty feeling soalnya. efek makan makanan sehat kali ya.

Belakangan,gw makan kailan tumis di mi Berkat (margonda) tapi somehow masaknya kelamaan, jadi kelembekan deh. Sama sekali nggak suka sayuran yang kematengan. Saya sukanya yang fresh masih crunchy2 gt. Krauss.krauss. Since hari itu, nggak mau pesen kailan disana lagi.

.ayam cah kailan. Pokonya ini pas di Mi Berkat (Margonda)

Kalo kangkung, gw sukanya makan kangkung cah ayam di warung sahabat yang di sawo, pinggir tukang jamur crispy. Harganya murah, masaknya cepet dan kangkungnya berasa masih renyah. Yuummmm. Satu masalahnya, tempatnya kecil banget jadi bau makanan!. Mungkin orang mikir bau makanan enak kali ya, harum2 lezat gimanaa gt, nah, kalo gw enggak. Gw suka bau makanan enak, with one condition, ketika bau makanan itu di tempat yang luas atau ada asosnya. sayangnya, di warung ini engap banget, walo ada corong buat keluarin asep keatas, tapi gara2 emang tu gang di sawo engap abis, bau makannannya jadi muter2 disitu2 aja deh. Pusing gw.

The kangkoeng @warung sahabat.Enyaak.

entah kenapa ya, gw itu enggak suka bau makanan yang muter2 di ruangan yang sempit. sesek dan engap. Percaya nggak percaya, gw hampir enggak pernah makan dikamer kosan (tanya temen kosan gw,haha). Kalo makan pasti di warungnya atau nggak nebeng di kamer Rara (hee,maap ya ra). Kalo toh terpaksa banget makan dikamer sendiri, gw pasti nyalain kipas biar bau makanannya nggak muter2 di kamer gw. (see how weird I am?). Pokonya gw nggak suka deh bau makanan diruang sempiiit, Its killing me. Kalo ada bau2 makanan diruang sempit, gw pasti uring2an...kipaaassssssssssss.

Yap,itulah sedikit keanehan gw yang entah kenapa gw ceritain. just random. just me. tunggu keanehan lainnya...hehe

Penasaran

Kadang gw heran,

ada nggak sih orang lain yang baca blog ini selain gw sendiri?
kalo dari hitstat-nya sendiri sih pastinya ada, hehe (ngelap jidat,lega).

tapi kayanya emang perlu redefinisi istilah blogwalking sama stalking atau lurking deh. sama aja. sama-sama gak keliatan wujudnya.

Yang pasti gw sangat mengapresiasi orang yang mau nyedian waktunya buat baca tulisan-tulisan gw yang random dan labil ini. kalian pasti orang yang sabarnya luar biasa..hehe.

love u dear my misterious readers, xoxo.

Such a rainy day

Literally, It is raining now. But the rain that I refer to was actually more psychological. The gloomy feeling that I feel. I cursed a lot today, the F word, the S word..multiple times. I think I still have some anger left and need it out, so yeah, I was acting pretty weird this day.

To make things even worse, I met a friend who asked me about job (I hate this topic lately), how long I've been jobless and how pathetic is to be company slaves. Burn. He really made my day. Put salt on my wound. EF. I really wish he know that I was very much like him, an idealist that avoiding end up working and supporting this capitalist world. BUT, fyi the reality will taught you a Lot. It is not so easy to keep your dream when the surroundings demand and offer different things. I just wish he put himself on my shoes before made any comment about my recent decision to work in a company that seek profits. I believe he will see that it is not easy, at all, to deal with the life after graduation. It is a serious time that asked us to make a serious decision. Keep your Ideal dream is a fine thing, but when there is an urgent need from your environment to do differently, then I suppose you should be what it is needed NOW.

To be honest, I believe that in near future I'll be the one who responsible for my sisters education. I'll be the one that will be the back bone of my family. SO, NOTE THIS...it is important for me to get a good job and earn money. seriously, I have my dream but I'm fully aware of whats important for my family's sake right now. Stop telling me that I'm too picky, because I was only try to get the best job I could have. You cant judge me, nor the situation I am In, without experiencing first what I truly feel. So, you better keep your mouth shut.

I hate bragging to much about my situation but I really wish people not make any comment on things that they dont really know. It is not easy to stand on your own feet, to lose balance while hold a burden on your shoulder. It is not easy to be me. I did and doing my best, simply hope that one day I'll be able to fulfill my responsibility. If you ask me whether I am afraid or not? well, Yes, Iam afraid. I fear of failure that gonna prolonged my dependency while I cant ask any support anymore. I fear of my future whether I'll be able to support my lil sisters or not. I fear that I cant reach my target. And the funny thing is, I'm worrying about my rented room for next month because I have not got any money..haha.

Whatevs, even in such difficult situation I'll always positive and optimistics. I believe god will help me out. He never gave an impossible task for us, I just wish god didnt trust me that much. So, here I am keep telling my self about how happy life is actually. Yeah, Im working on that, changing this sad mood into something better. still learn to forgive and try to see the sunshine that will come, after this darkness.

-we always burdened by trouble that we thought as impossible but at the end it will passed somehow- (irsa, 2010)

Resolution

Some people might have a list of resolution each time new year was comin. well, I am not that kind of person. It is not because I don't have any need to improve or achieve something but rather because I've got the big picture. I did the drawing of my life path and I'm so clear about it (at least that what I thought,haha). The thing is, There was always changes here and there in my life plan. Changes that suddenly come along with how my life turns out. recently, I have this "aha' moment in which changed the whole aspects of my life. I always plan to be a lecturer and I'm on my way there, But there was a point (recently) where I should reconsider what my dream is and somehow try to fit it with the reality that comes.

Point taken, now I plan to be a serious career women.

and that's my resolution. which is made in such awkward timing way far from new year's eve.hehe.

whatevs, Since it is something that come with the highest possibility, I will not let go my chance here. I will be focus in building my career until one day I achieve the target I already set up. Now my heart and mind are so open to it and I'll do my best if I got the chance.

I still have not found the job I want yet, sorry words corrected, I've found the job I totally want but I still in the middle of the selection process. Hope y people wish me tons of luck. :D

Btw did you know that I only want to work for a company that sells good products and somehow I always bragging about that? haha. I got this interview experience lately that make me felt kinda ashamed and surprised, hehe...

me : I am so excited to work for this company cz I believe this company sells good products, nutritional foods for babies...(smile confidently)
OD manager : so you think this company is selling good products?
me : Ya sure, if we compare to a company that sells carbonate drinks..duuhh.. (super confident and bit cynical)
OD manager : well, I actually worked for 8 years in that drink company before I work here.
me : oops... (damn I'm cursed!)

lesson learned: considering about think thrice before I open my mouth.Haha.

why should women be independent?

'there is no one born, rather than becomes a women". -simon de beavoir-

The lesson is, being a women (which include the feminine aspects its contain) is shaped by the norm in society. It means that we have the chance to become stronger and better in all possible way, as man do. The problem we have here (in Indonesia) is that women sometimes get so oppressed in a marriage. when the marriage is no longer healthy for two party involved, women usually trapped in so called the 'marriage investment'. I remembered in one class my lecturer said that 'marriage investments' could be seen as a thick rope of emotional and financial dependency toward their husband that bind them tight. It is more psychological rather than something tangible. That's why most of Indonesian women tend to hang on in a destructive marriage for the sake of their too deep consideration about earning, the children's future, etc.

Thus, I encouraged women to be independent and open minded. The possibility to be trapped in such awful marriage always exist. Therefore, It is important for women to make a tough decision and put their well-being as their utmost priority. when the financial security become a threat then lets be independent in terms of having a job, creating earning or at least develop a set of usefull skills. Dont let your self become weak and easily tricked. women are suppose to be tough and clever. Women have the right to be happy, but sometimes they forget it.

Responsibilities..

I always know that each of us have our own responsibility in this life. A father to provide his family, a mother to pour love and care, a sister to take care of her younger sister, etc. It is a rule of life, something that bond to our fate as a human. when we were given a role in this life, responsibility follow.

I my self always feel that I have some sort of responsibility toward other people in my life. My lil sisters especially. They are looked like small little things that I should protect carefully, I've been hurt in the past and I dont want them to experience the same pain. I want to create a super safe and beautiful world for them.

Several days ago, I've been into the worst place ever. Even darker than my 'Thesis madness' period. yesterday was a huge dissappoinment and sorrow. I lost my place to hold on, so does people around me. We were in Chaos..actually it still happen until today. There is a wound, a deep and bleeding cut. But as the time goes, there is person who put salt on it..all the time. The pain is unbearable...for me..for people I love.

Our heart shattered. broken into pieces. we tried to forgive...but the situation get worse, turn into something that cant be tolerate anymore...I am in a point where I'm ready to let go...

But by letting go means a bigger responsibility for me. I should do this and that, make sure everything well protected and fine...Its tough, but I am the most fit person to be depended on, so this is my job..and I am more than willing to do ANYTHING for people I love most. for my family.

I just thankful that I am an androgyny, I could do both feminine and masculine task. I am able to do anything needed. I'm tough. I am strong. I'll work my ass so hard I'll do anything for my family. Now my concern is my family..My mom, my lil sisters, my elder sister and my niece...they're the center of my life and my life is making them happy..

I always this stubborn and strong willed. Those make me feel that I am ready in doing this new responsibility. I should put aside my pain and think the other way around, I should stop crying, and start smiling for my family. I'm glad that I'm actually an independent person. changing lamp, buying Gallon water or fix the electricity is no big deal to me!!!!

Anger management

I think I'm gonna need that. I had this heart breaking event that upset me so bad. I always response toward such thing with strong expression of my emotional state, whether i am angry or sad. The problem is, now i should be mad at some one that I really attached to. Some0ne that as close as my own vein.

It is so hard when I have to show my anger while in the other hand I also feel an infinite love for this person. I really feel the dilemma now.And it become a total discomfort to me.

I cant skipped this thing and forgive easily, since it is a super awful blunder this person did. I want this person to feel my anger, to see that i am upset. And i want this person learn the lesson.

It is not easy to be in such anger.To feel the burn in my heart. The pain.

But I feel that i need to express it so that this kind of person will know the consequences of their behavior. toward people they love.

I hope we will solve this trouble soon. I'm tired of being this evil character. I want everything back to normal. And forgive again. It takes time. I'll just wait.

I hope this person come to his/her sense and start everything with honesty.

love bigger than hate.

Tsunami and Mount Eruption

IT came out of nowhere. The deadly wave of Tsunami and The volcano eruption of Merapi. People killed while others get hurt. Let send our prayers for them and hope everything will be better.soon. It broke my heart when i saw a baby covered in volcanic dust, it was so painful. I really hope they will have the proper logistics and supports.

Let show our support by donate some money

to
IDEA Yogyakarta
Bank Mandiri cab MM UGM
acc. no: 137-000-438-0818