Deep Dark blue

I want to learn to love you ...

like the old time.

I want to admire you

like the old time.

I want to miss you

like the old time.

I want to cherish you

like the old time.

I want to laugh with you

like the old time.

I want to talk with you

Like the old time.

I lost you

and it hurts so bad

dad...

Blessed and in love

I'm so grateful for God sent me this guy which I love so much.
very much in love 4 the thousand times
with the same person
for the last 4 years and 4 months.

hati cinta

Lemah lunglai

hatiku seperti tak bernyawa

tak kuasa menahan hitam menahan kelam

jiwa yang kalah dalam pertarungan hidup

duduk bersimpuh

dibawah keangkuhanku

maaf itu meluncur dari kesadaran yang telah lama hilang

sepertia dementia yang tiba-tiba disembuhkan Tuhan

maaf itu

melesat menghantam dinding hatiku

aku luluh

tak berdaya

air mata sudah kering serpihan luka masih terasa

Responsibilities..

I always know that each of us have our own responsibility in this life. A father to provide his family, a mother to pour love and care, a sister to take care of her younger sister, etc. It is a rule of life, something that bond to our fate as a human. when we were given a role in this life, responsibility follow.

I my self always feel that I have some sort of responsibility toward other people in my life. My lil sisters especially. They are looked like small little things that I should protect carefully, I've been hurt in the past and I dont want them to experience the same pain. I want to create a super safe and beautiful world for them.

Several days ago, I've been into the worst place ever. Even darker than my 'Thesis madness' period. yesterday was a huge dissappoinment and sorrow. I lost my place to hold on, so does people around me. We were in Chaos..actually it still happen until today. There is a wound, a deep and bleeding cut. But as the time goes, there is person who put salt on it..all the time. The pain is unbearable...for me..for people I love.

Our heart shattered. broken into pieces. we tried to forgive...but the situation get worse, turn into something that cant be tolerate anymore...I am in a point where I'm ready to let go...

But by letting go means a bigger responsibility for me. I should do this and that, make sure everything well protected and fine...Its tough, but I am the most fit person to be depended on, so this is my job..and I am more than willing to do ANYTHING for people I love most. for my family.

I just thankful that I am an androgyny, I could do both feminine and masculine task. I am able to do anything needed. I'm tough. I am strong. I'll work my ass so hard I'll do anything for my family. Now my concern is my family..My mom, my lil sisters, my elder sister and my niece...they're the center of my life and my life is making them happy..

I always this stubborn and strong willed. Those make me feel that I am ready in doing this new responsibility. I should put aside my pain and think the other way around, I should stop crying, and start smiling for my family. I'm glad that I'm actually an independent person. changing lamp, buying Gallon water or fix the electricity is no big deal to me!!!!

Anger management

I think I'm gonna need that. I had this heart breaking event that upset me so bad. I always response toward such thing with strong expression of my emotional state, whether i am angry or sad. The problem is, now i should be mad at some one that I really attached to. Some0ne that as close as my own vein.

It is so hard when I have to show my anger while in the other hand I also feel an infinite love for this person. I really feel the dilemma now.And it become a total discomfort to me.

I cant skipped this thing and forgive easily, since it is a super awful blunder this person did. I want this person to feel my anger, to see that i am upset. And i want this person learn the lesson.

It is not easy to be in such anger.To feel the burn in my heart. The pain.

But I feel that i need to express it so that this kind of person will know the consequences of their behavior. toward people they love.

I hope we will solve this trouble soon. I'm tired of being this evil character. I want everything back to normal. And forgive again. It takes time. I'll just wait.

I hope this person come to his/her sense and start everything with honesty.

love bigger than hate.

Happy Birthday boy...

October 26, 2010: 03.00 Pm.
It was raining hard and windy.
I wore my blue jeans dress and put on my purple shoes.
I bought a tiny Tiramisu cake and took last year candle from my small box.
It was cold and breezy. I soaked and got wet.
but i enjoyed it. I felt happy and excited.

October 26, 2010: 4.55 Pm.
I'm arrived. Made a call and got a cold answer on the phone.
someone get confused.
I waited and didn't find a glimpse of smile.
Small tiny feel of sadness and that's all.


Conclusion:

I think the surprise didnt run well since that was still 26th oct and he didnt expect me to come and most of all he didnt think it was the right time to give a surprise..way too early i guess. He just finished his work and look tired.
I felt that my too-early-surprise ruined the whole mood, he was tired btw. So, yeah. Whatever. I did my best.
Even tough this birthday wasn't so special i would like to say:

"Happy birthday sayang, wish you all the best in life : a good laugh and wonderful days.
I hope you grown up a gentle man and not carried away too much with your work. Don't forget to eat healthy and always listen to your heart. I've been with you for this past four years and mostly i feel happy. You add colors into my life and taught me a lot. I hope we both could grow together, become person that complete each other. I know good days are not always happen, and we should deal with bad days somehow. I wish we will survive the bad time and enjoy the good time. less sad eyes and more smiles."

-with love-

Love did to me..

I confess, i have some insecurities.

i fear of being loser

i fear of being left behind

i fear of losing something/someone precious to me

after put aside all other things, lets talk about love.you know that i love my bf so much?so much i cud die?.

yeah, right. i recognize the tendency for me to love him more and more, each minute and each second. he is so sweet and so nice i cant help my self to not fall in love with him.every day.But, along with the increase of that feeling, i also recognize the increase of fear of losing him. the increase of fear that i might get hurt.the fear that he might hurt me, deliberately or not. the more i love him, the more insecure i become. and it make me sad. to be very fragile and dependent. to be very sensitive and prone to pain. i cant take it, the jealousy, the thirst to always feel loved. the fear of not loved by him that sometime haunt my mind. aarrghh.

see, that how love did to me...make me become uber worried fragile b****!i dont wanna that. i dont want to feel threaten. i want to use my logic back. i am too coward to trust my heart. i am too afraid to the possibility of get hurt. it is not i dont trust him. it is more into me. what i feel. what i fear of. what i want to become. i want to stay awake and sober and use my brain function normally even when it comes to love. i want to be tough and cool. not weak and fragile. as if love has no side effect like this.

Pass me the day!!

well, everything seems so fine actually. I just feel there is nothing really excite me these days. well, i am at home, doing the rest of my ramadhan and helping my dad's work. i've just realized how hard he work and it make me a bit discomfort. i really want to settle and some how not depend on him anymore. BTw, my days are fine but i really wish i can jump on Lebaran, where i can meet my BF (yeah, i am kinda miss him) and i can celebrate something. anyway, i dont talk to my mom. but we will see how long it last. this love and hate mother-daughter relationship really one of a kind. hah!. no worries, i plan to apologize to her, so..lebaran come soon please.. :D

Kisses!

Well
i've just met my Bf tonight. we talked like friend slash spouse. he tells a lot than i expect. it was sweet because he act and behave well. Haha.

I love the way he look at me
I love the way he smiles
I love the way he touch my hair
I love the way he hold my hands
I love the way he wants me

i know we've been through a lot. even the worst situation. and i know i did some mistake in the past. But it was the most precious lesson that make me realize what i've missed. My Bf now is the one that i'd like to share my life with. He is my all.Omg. I never been so weak and cheesy and tacky when it comes to love but damn i am totally fall in love for him.

the guy i want to spend my life with!love and kisses!:)

A promise had been made

me : I am helplessly in love with you. take a good care of my heart, will you?
him : I will.

*that was sweet.

The rock bottom!

everything run well until..something happen. we both know what we're doing and we know which is wrong and which is right. i did try to put my ego far away from this relationship hoping that we will hang on and stay together. But, what just happened show me that this different point of view cant be tolerate anymore. I CANT KEEP THIS HAPPEN ANYMORE!. we knew it from long time ago that we have a different point of view but none of us want to truly understand each other. I knew i am not strong enough to insist my stance and i always end up letting things happen. I know its also happen due to my inconsistency. BUT, that was the rock bottom. we cant always arguing the same thing for the next (let say) two or three years. we cant always troubled on the same topic for the next years ahead. its time to truly talk about this heart to heart and took a stance! one solution that represent our response in such situation.
I am upset. i am tired and i am all broken.
It just unavoidably sad when i see you doing nothing about this, keep on your thought and being very resistance in resolving this. it just very disappointing to see the way yo react/response on that situation, looks like nothing happen. nothing threatening. nothing important to be talked and resolved. i also upset on my self, for being very inconsistent and weak. i cant defend my own thought. its sad. so sad and i feel stuck.
this issue is a never ending problem for us yet we usually ignores it. i don't know what you have in mind now, but i feel that's enough. enough i cant take it anymore. i don't want to waste my time ups and down, fight with you about this anymore. i know there is a HUGE love that keep us together this far. but i feel i should make a decision. it might be very hurtful and bitter, but if it what it takes to make a change, then i will. i want to see US in a different way. i want to seize and give more values on this relationship. it is my last shot, better be good or not at all.

Time flies, love stays..

Last night i was kinda missing my boyfriend so much so i tried to chat with him, web camming chat to be exact. Well, after tried several time and survived from several crash (due to poor connection) finally we can do the web cam chat with an awful minute of lagging. well, i was miss him badly i didn't really care about the delay. i saw him there in his room, wore a white plain shirt, it helps a bit, make me feel closer to him. BUT, since the lagging are too much too handle, we decide to use the synchronous text chat and ignore the web cam. since it feels like not real time at all, he get bored. perhaps.
for me, i did not care as long as i can see his face, it means something. but he feels kinda sleepy and decided to sleep. i was begging Lil bit to keep chat but that useless though, i wont push something that is not part of one's will. SO, i end up alone for the rest of the night, my mind floating around thinking about this and that.Mostly still feel upset but i try to take it easy.
Anyway, after i fall asleep, i have this dream, a very weird dream about escaping and saving some people from a chaotic situation. exactly like an action movie, there's the bad guy and the good guy. i was like in between and kinda confuse because i should save someone that i don't know. my heroic role in the dream didn't help at all. it was so weird and end up i am having a romantic affair with the bad guy boss..urrgh..such a weird weird dream. we were like holding hands and there's another girl, and that bad guy bring me into some place which looks exactly like my high school yard. fiuwh. thanks god i woke up and realize that was only a dream. a weird dream that (perhaps) represent my need to be with some one that i truly love or another one that actually the bad guy in real-live.whatevs.im done.

.days back then

sick

i am sick

literally

feels like drowning on water and gasping for air

whatevs

i have to be a co-facilitator for the OBM (orientasi belajar mahasiswa) tomorrow

it starts at 7 am in the morning

and end at 4 pm

just wish i can survive the day

and deliver the material with well

amin!

The sex and (not) the city!

okay. this post gonna talk about how i perceive my sexual experience.

well, since i was a child there is a huge wall between me and things called sex. yup, i hell know nothing about sex when i was a kid (well, i suppose it normally like this,hehe). to be honest, there are no culture about to talk about sex in my family. my mom and dad are so quiet about this. it make me think sex is something taboo and bad and a subject to avoid.

The bad thing is, when i emerged into my teen (with all those very sexual growth and environment) i become a total dummy about this. i remember my high school friend Indah (i wrote ur name deliberately, LOL) already expert in watching po*n. She even ask me to join her watching-porn-troops (yeah, some other girl and boys!), but i refuse. It is not because i am not interested, but because I dont dare to. i felt it is inappropriate to watch those stuff (either way it will make me more even confuse).

so, let say that my 19 years of life was all clean from any visual or auditory sexual content (such a saint!). The good thing is (outside of being a dummy), i never put my self into any sexual activity experience with (ehm) some jerks called ex-bf (i am soo glad i gave em nothin, HAHA!). so, i feel all good about my self. This inexperience in sex (or any kind of it) make me feel worth as a women in a strange way.

But then as i grow up, i become the victim of sexual exposure (from movies) just like billion others people (LOL). it really changed a lot of things. well it doesnt make me become sexually active or what, instead, it make me realize sex as a huge aspect of life that hold an important role in our life.

why it is important? hell the answer is clear. sex is not a mere process of satisfy human's basic need, but it is the core of our existence (i know im takling too far, haha!). well, my point is, since i saw those sexual graphics from movies..i learn a lot..(not the styles, u silly!). And it make me feel i am ready to embrace and dig up my sexuality..in term of, knowing how to love my body and treat it as a temple since in my religion it is forbidden to perform any kind of sex activity without marriage.

i just feel more mature and aware of the knowledge i should have..of course one day i'll have sex with someone so it is necessary to not look like a dummy and act like a nerd..haha..

in other hand, i think it is better for parents to have an appropriate sex talk with their children to avoid them being out of control with their sexual experience..i realize that sex is somehow will be recognize in their life, so why make them blindsided about this. Avoiding sex talk with your teen daughter and son will only lead them to the sex world journey without any supervision. it could end up really bad you know.

in my case, those dont ask dont tell strategy seems to work, it make me feel that i learn about sex in the right time (i was 19 anyway) and able to make a mature decision on it. yet i believe the nowadays challenge is different. parents should be more open about this subject.

anyway, perhaps it is weird but my first porn video to watch was yesterday indonesian artist leaking sex tape (i know its lame, haha). at first it was lika answering my curiousity, but a second later all i feel is disgust and gross..yucks! well it doesnt mean i think sex is a bad and disgusting, i just dont think those graphics are aesthetics enough to enjoy, some part are just deplorable. from that experience i can conclude that i dont like porn!. Sex scene in some movies are seriously better and more watchable..

i am a good girl after all... (sigh). I believe sex is beautiful and sacred but also dangerous and tricky. So, choose your best time to learn (or practice) sex. be a clever and responsible girl is not that hard..

Late night Random

flowers and chocolate as graduation present from my boyfriend. he's sweet! :D

These days been great. really. i got what i want and just had some short traveling around Jakarta (which i rarely have since i am so busy at school). Anyway, this year is such an important year to me.. well, i graduate this year and this is a moment when i feel like.. "sh*t, i am all grown up!".

I am Happy that everything in my life happen as i planned. But really, now i am a bit lost in doing the next step of my life. well, personally i would like to pursue my master degree but my only chance is by applying scholarship only, so..well, i still thinking about it. (otherwise i'll just grab the nearest job around, hehe).

Well, talking about life. i am feeling happy with my life now. all aspect in it are going well, include my relationship with my boy friend. We might rarely meet but i think our emotional bonding is getting stronger. i clearly in love with him. it took time to realize, but yes i am totally fall for him.
he isn't really my type, but he is very kind, lovely and caring...he is all i need.

i just hope our relationship will remain strong for the years ahead. Seriously i cant imagine my life without him. i have this huge tendency to be emotionally depend on him. not always a good thing but he's been part of my life and yeah he is the person that i share my stories with.