Virtues to teach

 -Straight and Honest-

Today, I realize that I'm a 24 something woman, who about to be a mother. Soon, I'll deliver a baby with due date on 9th March 2013. Having this baby has always been a surprising bless for me. I've always wanted a child and keen on being a mother. I've had the picture how I'll raise my children, what values I will taught them, and so on and so on.

One thing for sure, I want my children to be a person with integrity. straight and honest. why? these past years I've learn (the hard way) that living a lousy life, being a liar or dishonest in any context will make life ugly and miserable. I have this experience where I lost my utmost trust towards someone I should (and always) respect before. This person made the most hurtful deception and lies. Everything was destroyed and relationships were broken. Hard to deal with.

Now, I'm still learning to forgive, to open my mind that anyone deserve a second chance. Still hard to believe, how the If question still pops in my mind, as if blablabla maybe everything will turn better, as if blablaba I might not sick with this hatred..but..I again realize that there is no use crying over a spilled milk.

Beside from that personal experience, well, professionally I also witness some ugly lies, ass licking behavior that make me kinda sick. Some people dare to do fraud, stab others, and air other people's laundry in non respected way, creating circulated rumours. It looks like doing those ugly thing is fine, but deep down, its a big No No in professional world. Trust me, people will always judge and evaluate,   pick their own opinion towards us, they keep taking note even it is not blatantly written. Once one lose his/her credibility, forever he/she wont be trusted.

Therefore, It is very important to me, to my family, that being honest and straight are two virtues we should hold tight. very tight. I will not my self and my little family join the 'corrupted mind' gang. No chance!.

-Brave and Tough-

I want my children to be brave and tough, I will not spoil them with luxurius thing, rather I will teach them the essential of life, which is to be useful for others. We have such a short time living in this world, so lets make the most of it.

I've seen so many children being given so many things from their parents,  but those stuff doesnt make them become more grateful or humble. In opposite, living such easy life make some children become unpolite individual who has no respect towards hardwork nor valuing life, what they do mostly getting busy with their gadget and posting bunch of show -off pictures in socmed.

That is why, I want to do it the other way, I hope I will be able to teach my children that when they want something they have to work on it, on their own. If they want to see the world, I'll give them the way how but they have to use their own wing to fly. They have to be brave and tough.

-The freedom to be anything-

It is not highly important to me what my children will become. They will have the freedom to choose. With one condition, as long as it is good and make them useful for others. I dont dream my children to be a doctor, lawyer or anything (well I dream them to be scientist and social activist, hehe), I just want them to be the best in one profession they choose and become the source of help for aas many people as possible.

A BIG heart

Such a difficult thing uh?.

to hold our tears and stay strong
to hold our anger and stay calm
to hold our ego and stay listen

But, I always want to learn to have a big heart. How hard it is, i'll learn to hang on act wise.

It is not easy when someone look down on me, it hurts when i was treated badly like u Iam not worth of their respect. so hurt. hurt. But again, I want to have a big heart. :)

every single thing that bring me down, will be a fuel of energy to prove my best. I'll work hard to make my wings fly so that they will realize how far I've left them. Hopefully, people who treat other people badly will feel ashamed of themselves.

Bigger Than

I am bigger than this

bigger than the world

bigger than the need to be recognize

bigger than all troubles ahead

bigger that my easily hurt feeling

bigger than my energy fluctuation

and I am Big enough to make a change...

-let's make a small change-

Reorganizing Plan

I should confess that my life plan is been a mess up. But, I've decided to reorganize everything, from scartch and here I am, listing those whole plan for the next ten years...hehe.

I love today,
Im excited in thinking about what i will face next
some of those plan are still overlapping and oppose each other
but God knows whats best

Hopefully these plan will run very well

it takes courage to even write my dream down on a paper, im fear of unable to fulfill it or drag too far from them, but again, lets just do our best and follow where our fate bring us...nothin to lose though..

the bad and the good things are part of life.

The Only Exception

I might hurt

Might stumble

bleed

whatever

but Spirit cant die...

spirit cant die...


:)

-love my BF n family way too much-

Burn out

i feel like I hate my nights

I hate I lost my phone signal everytime i come to my kosan

I hate I feel so dull here

I hate I forget to be grateful

I hate time doesnt give me much change

I hate the fact that burden me that heavy

I want a lighter wings

to fly

and

I want stronger wind

to take me away

Born day

Time flies so fast and I cant pull the break to stop it.hehe. I know tomorrow gonna be my 23rd birthday. well, i'm feeling fine, not too much happy or whatever. I simply grateful for all the things God given me. every single thing means a lot to me.

The day I cried and almost give up, the day I decided to fight back and pull my self together again, the day I feel so lonely (which happen quite often), The day I feel proud of my self, The day I feel so pretty, the day I feel somehow ugly, The day I lost courage and found it again, The day im in love with my Bf and the day I hate him (hehe), The day I misses my family and the day I just want to be alone,The day I feel insecure and the day I feel so confident...

those days made my year...and I'am so blessed...

thanks God. Alhamdulillah.

But God, can I ask one thing?

one wish you know I always hope for...amen!

Man are not logical, they're psychological...

so,someone said the above title to me or maybe i heard it somewhere. it is so true that becoming a human is a matter of complication. we have a complicated reasoning with equally complicated problems. therefore, we have to be careful in making a decision for it might end up badly. but, if we think it further, why worries about bad thing while we knew that God has build the grand design of our life's. with that logic, we supposedly just put ourselves in every scenario God has made, even the worst one.

well, what i realized is, i sometimes (or most of the time) is lost. I don't know exactly what i want, or sometimes just not sure in getting it. in some occasion, i even cant stop failing my self for things that i actually capable of doing. and that psychological. normally, when my mood is okay, I'll look jolly good most of the time. But when I'm not in the good mood, I began to question what i am doing? is this really what i want and need? can or cant i do this?, there goes the philosophical questions.

that must be so obvious from my post. how I question myself a lot. I see it as two things, one i might truly digging deep to know my destination, second it is simply an unconscious mechanism I use to fail my self because I'm not confident enough or not ready to face some consequences.

Dear Human...

courtesy: blogger.com/posy-edit.g?blogID=4341925853189108927&postID=389356990713348899

'There's always things that make us feel sad, down and upset. Just dont let it beat you. Life is bigger than that and if you seek carefully, a ray spot of positivism must be exist somewhere. wake up early and measure your day thoroughly, count the bad and the good part, decide which will win, the good part or the bad part?'.


-love-

Think Before

so, i have this awkward moment when i regret what i've said, my intention was to make it sounds as a joke, which it appears it is not sound as a joke at all. not even funny. i wish i never said that. that sucks.
some might suggest me to think before say anything, but as i experienced, our mouth run faster than our thought. so, it is like asking a chicken to race with a horse. err..okay that's one weird analogy..haha..
well, what I'm saying is, we cant be funny all the time, so just spill it and see whether the joke crack a laugh or not. its normal. dont think it too much. but damn i do think about it and it bothers me...hehe.
conclusion is, I'm good at giving advice but not in practising it..hyehyehyeee..I'am still at the office btw and this past week always stays atleast untill 7 pm..it come into a point where in cant differenciate where my living place actually is..zzzgghh. Good news is, im feeling fine doing this and being here.. :P

So This is it...

Well, I never really imgaine what is it feel like to be working and what is actually we do when we work. It appears, what we do is basically like doing assignments at school, difference is the assignments are never stops and it sequentially come with no one really supervise us. I was doing this presentation for my division and last night i was staying at 22.00 pm. it was so quiet, i just heard sound of keyboard clicking. such an experience.

on my way home (well, its not a home it is kosan actually) i saw the lights from skyscraper building, the blitz light from cars that passing by and the sound of construction worker near my office. it was weird, i al most feel nothing. numb like there's nothing to fear or worried about. all i was thinking was, I want something different. something totally liberating....

there's a lot of things that i ideally want but i cant do. the more loose and free-spirit character in me that somehow always dancing around inside my mind. usually come at my spare time.hehe. the idea of wearing light floral dress, carrying Mp3 player and running here and there like there's nothing hold me. which of course not possible yet, cz im doing a 9 to 5 routine just like billions other people.

well, for me, life is an occasional bitch. i gotta deal with oh-so-serious-life-is. i feel like the more i grown up, the harder life gets. I'm so dead if i keep letting my self goes into this forever. the idea of being a company employee is not my cup of tea, it is a mere way of survival. it doesnt mean i took it lightly and doesnt put my best effort at work, it just i want, believe, and plan on something else. we'll see..

a memoir

I consider my self as a person who think too much and too futuristic. I want my fingers to dance and write beautiful rhyme but sometimes all those words disappear in a sudden stop. it is funny how my brain works, it always filled with thought, mostly about my worry over things, but then there will be a time i feel lighter as if my mind been refreshed with new bright thought.

I know how powerful the mind is, and i hate it when i think or worry too much my head get hurts, literally. it is just I wish I know the secret to control my mind to always see the bright side and jolly good point of view. In the other hand, regardless any other thing I've ever complaint about, I DO GRATEFUL to Allah for everything I have, I lost and I about to get...

I am grateful that my family are healthy and in a good condition, I am grateful that I could see and feel an experience with different depths compare to other people. I am grateful that even when I'm full with anger I realize how important is a thing called as tolerance...

I simply pray that I could get closer to my family, spend more time with them and be there whenever there is a simple funny jokes or an event to celebrate...as a family...

Nearest dream

Okay, honestly what I have in my mind (mostly) is actually the idea of getting married. starting my own family. I love the vision of my self arranging a lot of things for my future family, the house, the kitchen, the foods, the daily quarrel...hehe.

I love imagining me and my boyfriend finally together forever (amiin!). Its gonna be exciting because I will finally will have someone I own (haha,imperialist!). Someone that belong to me and I could share everything with.

hopefully, everything will run smooth and one day (soon I hope) I could be there, safe and sound and happy.

absurd

feeling absurd
since realized that
love is not enough for a relationship
it takes more than that.

when I get old

so, i was helping my lecturer on some projectial base work. She is kinda old, well I dont know how old she is but I can tell she is no longer fast and thorough. Perhaps, due to her age it is quite difficult to follow the demand of technology (using computer, etc) in her work. so, she has 4 or 5 flashdisks with different file in it. One for her book project and the other for this and that so she wont get confuse and mixed up. Each file took less that 1 GB in each Flashdisk while the flasihdisk contain 2GB memory. The sad part is, she also needs to put a label on each flashdisk so she wont forget whats inside. :'(

But, event tough she become so forgetful, I still able to recognize her rich knowledge and strong mind. she is still spirited and one clever person I believe. One thing that I pointed out is..how cruel age could do to us? it makes me sad to imagine my self in my old time..become forgetful and slow and confuse and attached from the novelty of life..hiks. I simply hope in those time I will have some one to hold. someone to hug so I wont feel that sad.

I'm not afraid of being old as long as I have people I love around me. Oh I wanna hug someone so bad right now. Hehehe. lets embrace our age and keep updated, our practise in reading will be a help for our memories in the old age. so, keep read and stimulate the brain.

Bruyant

I have questions in my head,
I have doubt, dream, fear and courage...at the same time.
I have nothing in my hand but I want to hold the world.

I need others but I hate to be dependent. stand on my own. always my option. Don't care how helpless I am, I will never depend on you, I read the signs that you are (also) not ready (yet) to assist me in any of my difficulties, in fact, I actually capable of solving my problems on my own. we're equal, I owe you nothing, so lets think it this way.just to make it clear.

Oh I hate delusional idea about relationship.F.

Just so you know, I can feel it anytime there's a distance you create or unwillingness you try to hide. That's all caught by my radar. again. just to make it clear. I will never depend on you. fair square. no worries. :)

one of The Thing I hate Most

I actually HATE my self very much, when I start to depend on someone.

yeah,right, I don't want bother people in any way. If I can handle it by my self, so be it.

But, sometimes I cant hold my self I need a shoulder to cry.

And at one point that make me hate my self for troubling other people.

I stubbornly want to be an Independent person because I have the fear when one day I suddenly left alone I will lost my balance and collapse. No I don't want that. I want to be strong enough to stand on my own feet and do my own things.

I've seen a betrayal that caused the worst fall of a dependent person. I don't want to add the statistics.

Sekolah tinggi-tinggi

Ada temen yang bilang, ngapain sekolah tinggi2? toh mostly milyuner di dunia itu juga para Drop-outers. Well, kalo dari awal niatnya emang kaya, ya emang bukan sekolah jawabannya, melainkan usaha a.k.a belajar jadi enterpreneurship.

Kalo sekolah tinggi2 itu emang nggak ngejamin seseorang buat kaya, jadi kudunya orang2 yang sekolah sampe ke negeri Cina itu niatnya ya emang buat mencari ilmu. Insyalloh jadi harta di akherat kalo ilmunya bermanfaat.

Jadi jangan mendiskreditkan orang yang lagi sekolah tinggi2 cuman gara2 teorinya beberapa motivator bisnis dong. Emang niat dan hasilnya beda, dari awal kalee.

sekali lagi catet ya tet, orang2 yang pada sekolah tinggi2 itu belom tentu niatnya pengen jadi kaya kaleee....

why should women be independent?

'there is no one born, rather than becomes a women". -simon de beavoir-

The lesson is, being a women (which include the feminine aspects its contain) is shaped by the norm in society. It means that we have the chance to become stronger and better in all possible way, as man do. The problem we have here (in Indonesia) is that women sometimes get so oppressed in a marriage. when the marriage is no longer healthy for two party involved, women usually trapped in so called the 'marriage investment'. I remembered in one class my lecturer said that 'marriage investments' could be seen as a thick rope of emotional and financial dependency toward their husband that bind them tight. It is more psychological rather than something tangible. That's why most of Indonesian women tend to hang on in a destructive marriage for the sake of their too deep consideration about earning, the children's future, etc.

Thus, I encouraged women to be independent and open minded. The possibility to be trapped in such awful marriage always exist. Therefore, It is important for women to make a tough decision and put their well-being as their utmost priority. when the financial security become a threat then lets be independent in terms of having a job, creating earning or at least develop a set of usefull skills. Dont let your self become weak and easily tricked. women are suppose to be tough and clever. Women have the right to be happy, but sometimes they forget it.

Our government is No 'one man show'.

Today is exactly the 100th day of President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono governmental works. Demonstration and protest occurred in some area, mostly showed their opposition toward the government and considered that the government has failed in doing its job. Some issues arise, from 1. the unclear ending of century case, 2. The commercialization of KPK, 3. The Tax Mafia case, 4. The Dispute over the border with Malaysia, and last 5. The case with MA. The thing that i want to highlighted here is, how some people are able to decide such a complex system, government, as failed and blame it on one person?.

Let see this problem carefully. Do you know how many departments are in our governmental system?. There are education department, social department, financial department, Judicial department, House of representatives, etc. The list will continues if we want to name it one by one.

Those list means that our government is rather a grandeur concept with complex system of works. They recognize the equally complex problem we had, from poverty, crimes, corruption etc. Thus they made that divisional arrangements to make the resolving process to stay in focus. one department with one specific issue.

I suppose, if we want to see comprehensively, then what so called as the governmental success is also under the responsibility of those departments and people in it. If they did a poor job, of course it will create a bad impression for the society who see that as a failure. it means that, the failure is not come from a single person but rather from a group of people in it. Governmental works is not a one man show. It took a collective efforts to work. The efforts from every single person who gain the trust of our people to sit on the parliament (who came from different political party with different political interest) or posses any governmental position.

I do believe it is true that the president is a person who has an utmost authority to make decision. He is responsible for most major issues that happen in our country. He is the person in charge. He posses the control. But he is not the only one to blame. Like i said before, our government are so complex and also fully planted with wide ranging political interests. each elite brought different ideas and propose different solutions. sometimes they get along with each other and sometimes they don't. When there are different ideas come to the president, i believe his mere good intention is not enough to create a solution that satisfy everyone. How hard he tried, there will be always unsatisfied party.

The friction of the internal political interest in our government sometimes too strong to handle, to dangerous to neglect and also too risky to be implemented. That is why sitting on the presidential chair is not an easy job. He have to listen different voices that whisper different ideas while trying hard to accommodate them all.Therefore, the failure of our government should be address to specific person/department who is responsible for. I understand the tendency to look for a scape goat, but, rather than blaming on one person or brief people, isn't it better to demand the whole people in our government to show some commitment and dedication?.

If it is stated that the government has failed, then what kind of parameter that you used to measure the degree of failure that you talked about? and if it is called as a failure, then what kind of accomplishment is viewed as a success? is there any, name it, one government in the world that become the example of success? a government that able to handle and resolve all its societal problems. Is it possible for the government to tackle all the problems this nation's has?. If talked about percentage, then how much is the percentage number for this government to be considered as success?. and what if, it is you that become the president? will you be able to do so?.answer it then think again.