The doubtful cause

Remember when I say that there was no longer things that able to excite me? like I already hold the world In my hand?. Yep. That was the moment I feel things I have or long in this world are not a matter of importance anymore. I was very focus on the essential meaning of life, I thought those material things are just absurd and irrelevant.  Fancy clothes, Towering heels or heavenly dinner are things that I will not take when I die nor add the meaning of it. I detest the idea of materialism, the thought of me pursuing those so tangible stuffs over everything. I felt shallow and stupid.

Then I lost the long over those things like I'm ready to be a new person. The feeling was so convincing I almost believe I was ready to give a lot of things up to be this whole new person. But then, It went south very fast. I even doubted my intention, I disbelief my self that I have such courage and determination to make a rapid change. Haha. So, I decided to take a step at a time. I may still hate the Idea of being the victim of capitalism and live so worldly oriented but it also doesn't necessarily make me stop working my best to have a great life. It just, I no longer live the ambition that only leads me to be this cool person with arrogance. rather, I decided to take my life lightly, work my best to be a good, decent, considerate and useful person.

Talking about becoming an useful person, it was actually what my mom taught me. She always said that, there is no bigger mean for us to be created in this world rather than to make our self useful for others. well, I believe I'm make a good use of myself for others but not in the way I expected. Seizing the scale and the directness of my influence, I could see how few people are truly 'touched' by what I do. Hehe. Im thinking about something bigger, more tough and dramatic. One day, It will.

In the mean time, Being grateful been helping me a lot in handling these turbulence of feeling and continuous self questioned over life. I could see clearly God gave me a lot of luck compare to most people it keeps me grounded and respectful. Seeing unfortunate people who should work so hard for so little is  just devastating, it hearts breaking yet make me feel a lot of respect for them. To be in the place I am now, I could see the tear drops and tough sweat they must deal with. That is why I always try my best to treat other people with respect and goodness. Treating others, especially those who are not as fortunate as our self like they're inferior is really not my style. I believe strongly in equality and human rights. we are all deserve some respect for us all are mere human.

err, did I just wrote four paragraphs that seems not coherent by topic? haha, I might, for my brain is suck at being systematic. Hehe.